the Hardening. (define: a time when suddenly everything hurts and unshakable general life philosophies shake, resulting in a cynical heart and a pessimistic mind.) it's sad, because that should be an unusual thing, but it's not, and i feel minimal amounts of heartbreak for them, probably because there isn't much room for my heart to break after my own Hardening, but i'm buoyed when i see people who haven't succumbed. people who've somehow retained that incandescence. (qtd.) and i'm glad for them, but not quite jealous.
because, truth be told, i like being in control. (especially of my emotions.) i hate myself when i lose that control. weak and malleable, why would i want to be that?
good question, because ever since i started writing, i feel a little more. i look to tap into something inside that produces a clean fresh spring, and i think i have on this blog, but it's overflowing into the rest of my life, and i'm trying so hard to stop it because it feels a lot more like drowning than taking a swim.
but i've really never been good at compartmentalizing.
so i have to choose: drink that water, or thirst? (thirst has worked out pretty well for 547 days)
i don't write, i just feel.
but at least i'm learning to feel again
"i don't want to repeat my innocence. i want the pleasure of losing it again." f. scott fitzgerald.
Every word. Such good word choice. Such real feelings. You tell a story but also give us one short moment at the same time.
ReplyDeletei basically will never stop loving your blog. so.
ReplyDeleteThis post just made me want to hug you, and curl up in a ball in my room. I don't know why. But sometimes I feel this way too. I loved every word.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. I just let all of my feelings come out of my fingers and on to the keyboard.
ReplyDelete