pavane, prince

because i haven't been sufficiently occupied since five pm today and i don't know what to do with three whole hours of spare time except pretend to clean my room and who knew, classical music actually makes me feel (PLEASE just press play now) and oh no maybe i want this -- stuck in whirlwind where i spend my hours with headphones listening to Ravel and i feel opened and like hand sanitizer is pouring into my cuts in a way that leaves me so very certain i'm supposed to feel that clean but then like TEARS then NO DAD i do not want a massage right now just kidding ah i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry it's just i'm listening to this music and it's ripping me up because it's called "pavane for a dead princess" when translated and it makes me think of you and i love you i love you i love you i miss you. there's a spot inside i didn't know you took up before you left and now it's huge and bleeding and i bet my favorite aunt still cries herself to sleep about it because every once in a while i do because you should be here. i hope in heaven your soul still feels the tingles my body does when i remember you spinning me around, my big brother, and i look at my left wrist for the bracelet with your name and oh darling your little brother is in texas now and i miss him terribly and i'm sure he misses you every single day and he's so wonderful it's easy to forget that he lost you but please please i'll remember the picture on the front of the funeral program and watching a slideshow of you thirteen point five times in a row because your little brother was crying in the bathroom and darn it all, classical music, for bringing this up

you'd be living your life far away from me             it hurts
i love you i love you i lo